Forever Young

This is Grandma. She is ninety-seven and three-quarters years old. Doesn't she look great? She turns 98 in September of this year.

I consider myself very lucky because I inherited her when I married my husband almost 22 years ago. She enjoys good health, an active mind, and a quick wit.

As far as I can tell, Grandma has never really been one to spend very much money on herself. I am sure she could but she prefers to spend her money on what she feels is the most important thing in her life. This would be her family.

Almost every two years, during the summer, Grandma hosts her entire extended family for a family reunion. We always stay in very nice upscale places usually near the ocean and on the beach. Those who attend are her children, their spouses, some siblings of spouses, her nieces, and until recently her sister. Did I forget to say that all of her grandchildren, great grandchildren and their spouses attend, too? We are a pretty big bunch. I believe that all together we total 30 people.

Grandma loves these events. She enjoys the good company of family and the always excellent food prepared by her tribe of relatives. We are so lucky to have her around this long. We are blessed by her commitment to family and her generous spirit. She is quite an amazing women having survived two husbands, all of her siblings, and I am sure many other friends and family.

For me, the benefits of inheriting such a loving grandma have been many. What I am really thankful for are these regular events. They have given me a way to get to know my extended family in a way I probably would never have been able to do. This feels like a great support to me. In my heart, I know that these people are my family and that they love me.

Thank you, Grandma. It is because of your big heart that I get to experience this great joy.

A Memory of my Mother

My mother died almost nine years ago. She died on Thursday, August 12, 1999 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. She was born on February, 24, 1937 in Sao Paulo, Brazil. She was a very practical, no-nonsense kind of person who could often be heard saying in an affectionate tone to her three very emotional, mystical, and intensely spiritual daughters, "All right girls, whatever you say, just make sure you do your homework."

I sometimes laugh now when I think of my kind, introverted, worker-bee of a mother having to deal with three young, somewhat flaky, impractical girls. She was the best thing that ever happen to us. Her grounded nature and practical outlook allowed us to develop into just who we were, if that makes any sense. I never felt any pressure from her to anything but me, an inquisitive, somewhat spacey, artistic, kind of sloppy, and reflective young women. She had a way about her that even when she had to correct or redirect me, I always knew that it was out of love. I never felt criticized or even less than esteemed, although, especially during the dramatic teen years, I thought she did not always understand me. I think my emotions were often a mystery to her. Regardless, she had a way of affirming the very core of a person's being, and even though someone was very different from her, that was okay, even if they irritated her.

What I learned from this was to like myself, even the not-so-nice parts. I can still be incredibly spacey. But that is okay. What becomes of a kind of sloppy teenager is a middle-aged woman with poor cleaning aptitude who still hates to wash dishes by hand because something icky could be down there. Thank God for dishwashers. I can easily laugh at myself and joke about my physical flaws.

For example, when I see a picture of myself I think, "Good Lord! By the time I am 80, my nose is going to be down to my chest. It just keeps growing and growing." Growing up, I often complained and cried to my mother about my ugliness due to the big nose I inherited from both sides of the family. Her response was, "Oh Ev, it will be okay. I think you are beautiful. When you grow up, and if you still feel it is too big, you can get it fixed." Practical. Right? I do not think I liked her answer. But it made me realize that it was okay to feel bad about something and that if I wanted to I could take control of the situation and change whatever it was that was making me feel bad. I never had my nose changed. I decided I wanted to learn to like it. However, if it just does happen to keep on growing and growing down to my chest, I know that I still have the option.

Building a Better World

I was not sure what to call this blog. My mind has been swirling up and down and all around as I try to understand the things that seem to be happening around me. Perhaps I am idealistic, but I think building a better world starts at home with how we treat our loved ones, our neighbors, our friends, and even our enemies. I am a Christian, and Jesus encouraged us to love our enemies as ourselves. I guess that assumes that we start by loving ourselves. Maybe it means that before we can love others we really need to be able to love ourselves. I am not sure, and it has been a long time since I have studied theology.

The issue that I want to comment on is the reaction of many to the decision to allow gays and lesbians to legally marry. I know that many people have been extremely and earnestly distressed about this and have felt that it affects the integrity of family and marriage. But my opinion is that nothing can affect the integrity of family, marriage, love, and relationships but bad interactions between people within those institutions.

So, I guess I want to challenge everybody to work hard at making their relationships and marriages the best they can be rather than focusing on what others are doing. Is not that what we tell our children? "I do not care what so and so is doing. I want you to be the best you can be." As well, Jesus was very stern in regards to judging others. He said something like this, "Please (I do not think he said please), take the plank out of your eye before you try to take the speck out of another's eye. "

I think what he meant was work on yourself and your relationships and leave the judging up to God. We all have blind spots, weaknesses, and misguided opinions. I just think we would have a much better world if all the energy fighting about what we think others should be allowed to do or not to do could be spent on improving our own relationships. Ask yourself, "Do all of my loved ones know, believe, and really feel that I love and care for them?" If the answer is "no," try to find ways to make your loved ones feel special. People who feel special do amazing things.

My Work

As a relationship therapist, I see distressed couples and families everyday. Sometimes people ask me, "How can you do that job? Isn't it depressing? How do you keep from taking all that pain and suffering home with you." It is interesting to me that people see the work that I do as difficult. Granted, it is not always easy and sometimes very sad when I here about abuse, trauma, and loss. Generally though, I like my work because I get to be with people and watch them grow, develop, and get over some of life's more difficult obstacles. Human beings are remarkable in their ability to work through difficult problems. I feel that it is a privilege to be let in and allowed to journey with individuals, couples, and families in this way. In some ways, I think I am a very well trained coach and cheerleader. I support, challenge, teach, correct, redirect, and encourage all with the goal of helping people to become all that they are.

Connection

It has been awhile since I have posted my thoughts on relationships. I have been busy working on my garden. When I garden I feel really focused and exhilarated. I work very hard at it. In a way, gardening is art for me. It takes time, patience, and commitment. Sometimes I see immediate results, but often I do not see the results from my gardening for months.

This is not unlike relationships in general but more so like distressed relationships. Getting that feeling back when a relationship is in trouble takes hard work. Sometimes it takes months before one sees the results of planting, weeding, and hoeing.

Often, things have been going south for so long that the emotional ground which needs tending to is very hard. It is easy to want to give up. I feel this way when I garden sometimes. The ground where I live is hard clay. I must dig it up, add more soil to it, fertilize it, water it, and sometimes pray over it. I really have to work it to get the positive results I am seeking. I eventually do see beautiful flowers.

This is the same in all and especially in distressed relationships. You must work very hard so that you will eventually feel re-connected, reinvigorated, and exhilarated about your loved one. Don't give up. The hard work is worth it. When a relationship is ready to bloom it is a beautiful thing.

What's Love Got to do With it?

I am taking a class on infidelity and sexual addiction as it relates to the practice of therapy. According to various statistics, 25% of women and about 50% men in committed relationships have affairs. Now with the Internet, which provides affordability, accessibility, and anonymity (something researcher Al cooper, PhD calls the triple A Engine), I think both affairs and sexual addiction may be on the rise.

I see both affairs and sexual addiction as having more to do with emotions and stress than sex or intimacy. There are a way to deal with chronic emptiness and emotional numbing. We live in such a fast pace and sometime lonely world. We forget to keep up with our most sacred commitments. When something comes along which makes us feel good or helps us forget about our troubles, it becomes easy to forgo our values and commitments. My experience in private practice is that most people do not want to betray their partners. They just fall onto something they never dreamed could happen.

Simple steps to keeping your relationship betrayal proof: spend time together talking and laughing, remind yourself of your commitment and why you originally hooked up with your beloved, and remember the grass is never greener on the other side. It only sometimes looks that way. If you are stressed out, turn to your spouse for comfort and support, not to others or other things.

Family

During this holiday time, I was very fortunate. I was able to meet some of my family members from Brazil. This was a first time meet and greet session for me. I have meet very few of my South American relatives so this was an extremely exciting time. My cousin and his family were on vacation in the US, and my husband and I were able to arrange a time to meet and have dinner. Even though they have limited English speaking abilities and we have no Portuguese at all, we seemed to manage. My husband does speak some Spanish which helped. We shared pictures and stories of loved ones. It was great. I was so moved and reminded of how important family is. Distance and culture do not change the intensity of the bond we feel to those who share our ancestry.

Make People Smile

I love to have a good laugh. For me, laughing is the best therapy ever. Once upon a time many years ago, I read that laughing while you eat helps your digestion. I do not know if this is true but the idea is nice. I think humor is very important in relationships. Even more important is learning to laugh at yourself. Try to make at least one person laugh today even if it is just yourself. Happy people make good friends and lovers.

Safety in Relationships

Have you ever wondered why you feel good with some people and uncomfortable with others? What is it that makes you feel safe in a relationship? And if there are specific things that make a relationship safe, how do you apply these things to the most important relationships in your life?

Evolution tells us that we and other mammals are hardwired for survival. We have all learned this in our science classes. But what does that mean for the human animal? Western culture has emphasized individuality and independence. Eastern culture tends to value togetherness and dependence. So, which culture is right? As long as certain things are present within the relationship, I think both.

I think safety comes from responsiveness and availability. What I mean by responsiveness is that when you share your heart with another, they are there listening intently not reacting to you or ignoring you or changing the subject. They are present. Also, responsiveness is about keeping your word and following through with your promises, being reliable. This reliability creates security.

Availability, just means a person is there to spend time together with you. They are there when you need them. They like being with you. How simple is that? Well, we are very busy people, and I think we forget to be there for each other, and to simply spend time with each other. Sometimes this is the root of many fights, one person wants to spend time together and the other is not available. We forget that time spend together creates secure bonds.